Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Red, White, and BOOM!!!

Happy 4th of July from The Howard's!!!

Stop packing up the family.  No need to sit in the heat with bugs and keeping the kids up late.  Why?  Because here is your fireworks!!!  BOOM!!!!!!  You're welcome.

It's been awhile.  I know.  And to those of you that have been asking about the latest post, and wondering if this blog was still happenin', I answer this.  Settle down.  We are still here.  But let me explain the "dry spell".  (And I'll do it unbunch your undies.)

Ever since I started this blog, my kids must think they are like famous or something.  For the past month, my older 2 kids would do something and wonder if it was "going on the blog".  Um. No.  So, I had to put down the phone for awhile.  It's only been in the last 2 weeks, that the "cupeth runeth over-th", meaning, the Howard Vault, (my iPhone for those of you just joining us), is full.  And the time has come to release it's treasures.

Let's be real for a moment.  How long can you really entertain a toddler before you just want to rip your hair out?! Here's the set-up:

I'm at Brenen's baseball game.  Do you think there's a playground near by where I can watch my son AND keep Bryn entertained? No.  That would be too easy.  And to make matters worse, she has this uncontrollable desire to color.  Here was my solution.  The pen from my checkbook and a banana peel.

Have at it, Bryn.  And, no, I won't be saving any of this art.

"This is not my daddy."

Yes, Bryn.  You are correct. That, indeed, is not your daddy.  I'm glad that after 3 years, she can tell me who is and who isn't her dad.  It's a good skill to have.  She'll go far with this talent.

I just had to stop and pick up the essentials. 

"Oh blankie.  Blankie. Blankie"

Blankie Washing Day.  It's a chore in itself to get this done.  The first step is to find that nasty thing and wash and dry it before she realizes it's missing.  I ALMOST had it.  Until she wanted to be my "helpa", and take the load of laundry out of the washer and into the dryer.  BAM!!  Blankie spotted.  Son of a B.  She stood here waiting for that damn thing to dry.  It got to the point where I just cranked that dryer on HIGH and put the blanket in there itself.  DRY, dammit, DRY!!!!!! 


I thought I succeeded in getting a great shot of myself and Bryn....until I heard giggling. BROOKLYN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Really!?  Photo bombed.  It happens to the best of us.  But not usually by our own offspring.  I'm not even going to try to take another picture.  We're calling this good.

People wonder what made the dinosaurs extinct.  And, I'm not here to discuss that.  Why?  Cuz I don't care.  But I have discovered what could make my family of 5 extinct.  And here it is.  Scientific proof.

The Old Navy Theory:

Yes.  We have a lot of shoes.  But that isn't what this theory is about.  It's about Old Navy.  Hence the same The Old Navy Theory.  If Old Navy ever stopped selling their $2.50 flip flops, this family would be done for.  We'd just whittle away.  While some of you may be thinking, "That's not a lot of flip flops", let me say this.  I didn't include the ones that are currently MIA, or sitting in pieces in the yard because the dog ate them or the ones that are at friend's houses, or the pair that got thrown away because Brooklyn stepped in about 5 pieces of chewed up gum.

 And yes, Old Navy, we went into seizures when we heard they were $1 last weekend. 

"I takin' my sippy for a ride."

Well, sippy cup, I'd hang on if I were you.  I can't tell you what happened to the rock, or the dragonfly she took for a spin around the block.  They were nicely seated in the back and she came back and they were gone.  I didn't ask.  I'm thinking you're safe though...unless you are empty....then you're up a creek.  Have fun!!

"She not wearin' a diaper!! Or undies!!!"

I got lucky capturing this one.  I happen to have my phone in my hand, in camera mode.  Which I realize it's blurry.  Don't point out the obvious to me.  Just enjoy the moment. 

I'm thankful here that this was just a mannequin.  Which was at Old Navy.  Where we may or may not have been buying flip flops. 

"Dora is on!!!!!"

Yeah. Dora is on.  I hate Dora.  I really do wanna punch her in the face.  But obviously in Bryn's world Dora rules.  I can only compare her excitement to having the Super Bowl on while holding a beer.  Or whatever adult gathering you get a big bang out of.   I also think the only thing that would make this child happier is if, in fact, she could sit IN the TV.  With that sippy of milk. 

"Mommy!!!!  Shawna Banae!!!  Help!!!  We need to watch somepin else!!"

Holy Mary Mother of God!!  (No pun here).  How did she manage to turn THIS show on?!  Couple things here.  I am glad it wasn't a show called, "Sister Mary Does Dallas" and I'm also thankful that when this holy show came on the flat screen, that our living room just didn't combust into explosions and colorful flames.  Thank you, Jesus.  We are saved. 

"I wanna pick."

Thank you, Pamper diapers.  I get the marketing with the Seasame Characters, but let me fill you in on a little dilema that this family is having.  Bryn isn't a fan of Big Bird.  Therefore, we end up with all Big Bird Diapers.  Let me tell you how much this blows.  You should be making my life easier, not adding to the chaos.  Either eliminate Big Bird or fill the whole box with one character.  Bryn likes Elmo.  And Cookie Monster.  Until we get this child potty trained, which clearly isn't going to happen in my lifespan, knock it off. 

"My baby pees a lot."

Um.  Yes. Yes she does.  And where the hell did you find all these diapers?!  No wonder "diapers" are on my list every damn week.  Stop using your diapers.  And aparently I have to stash the diapers at the neighobr's just so you won't find them.  Better yet, use the Big Bird ones.  I seem to have plenty not being used.

"I don't like my weiner dat way." 

Yeah, Bryn, me either.

"I going shopping."

Um.  I hope you aren't planning to go shopping in public.  And newsflash, you aren't going with me like that.   First thing first, if you're going to be dressed like that, we will be going to Wal-Mart.  Target doesn't allow people like this in their stores.  Second off, unless we are shopping the day After Thanksgiving, the helmet probably isn't necessary.  I'm all about safety, but this is a little extreme. 

Irrigation Systems.  Or "Sprinkles" as they are known to by Bryn.  They really do provide entertainment. 




Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Time to Get Giddy

You're giddy.  There's adrenaline pulsating through your veins.  You may even have the tingles and start gigglin' like a little girl.  I know that feeling.  It's the same feeling I get when I can go to the bathroom by myself and not be bothered by a kid or the dog or cat.  It's like a mini vacation to me.  But that's not why you are having "the feeling".  It's because you saw that a new post was up on this blog.  It's ok.  Everything will be alright.  Take a deep breath.  Count to 10.  And when you're ready, the new post will be here.  Like an old friend giving you a big hug. Or a fist bump. Whatever you prefer.

"I want Froot Loops, Mommy!! ~Bryn

So I reach in the pantry and open the box up to find this....

What!?!?  There's like 13 Froot Loops.  Who the hell can make a bowl out of 13 Froot Loops???  Just dandy.  Now I have a toddler all bent outta shape because there's no Froot Loops.  And do you think she wanted anything else??  Hell no. I never so badly in my life wanted to punch Toucan Sam in that big dick-like beak of his.  I don't care if he was endangered or not.  It was like 7am on a Saturday and I was already telling the day to suck it.
 On the plus side, whoever thought this was a riot to save 13 Froot Loops, wrapped that bag pretty tight.  They were still crunchy.

My kids have had either a cat, dog, or both a cat and dog through out their lives.  I haven't really had to worry too much about the kids getting in the pets' water dish.  Until Bryn came along.

I don't get it.  We have a big tub.  I even put bubbles in it.  But no.  It's obvious that the dog's water dish is way cleaner than the bath tub water.  I mean, seriously, every bath time needs dog drool, floaties from whatever the dog just got done eating, and whatever else may have died in the water. Why have clean fresh running water when dirty dog water will do??  The Amish do it.  Guess the Howard's will too.

I walk around the corner to see this....

   Well, now, this can't be good. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph (and any other Holy person), please let Bryn be sitting on the big girl potty.  Um. Nope, not my girl.  She's itching her bare ass while watching cartoons.  I'm just thankful there wasn't a pile of crap in the middle of my living room.  It's been done before.

Ahhh...yes.  This gem has entertained us for about a week now.  This took place in Madison, Wisconsin.  Me and my "Bop Bop Bop" shorts.  I'm not sure what possessed me to get all funky here...but sometimes things just happen. And sometimes your sister in law catches you.  All I can say here is this....this would have been way hotter had I had on that foam cheese hat on my head.  And if there was a pole in the room.  But that's for another time.  And another blog.  Wisconsin, you'll never be the same once one (or more) of this family swings over for a visit.  But let's face it, it's the most exciting thing that's occurred in that state.

 "I love this hat.  It has balls.  But when I do this, they are like my nipples. Now I can play with my balls and nipples at the same time." ~ Brenen

For a split second, I pretended that he probably didn't mean it the way I was thinking  Then I remembered this fact:  Brenen is MY kid.  Of course he meant it that way.  Needless to say, I do my best to keep this hat at home.  That is one phone call I do NOT want from the principal.  I wouldn't even know how to explain myself.  And let's be real, I'm not even gonna try.

Texting.  Screen shots.  Proof that my kids really are this snarky and sassy.  It's a proud moment for me.  Just a second....I have to regain my composure. 

Ok...I'm fine now.  Kudos to Brooklyn for this.  I was left speechless.  Which, let's be honest, doesn't happen too often.  I'm pretty sure I'm not even speechless when I sleep.

For those that are unfamiliar with what's going on here...I am texting Brooklyn. I am in the blue.  And Boo is the nickname we have given Bryn.  Don't ask why.  I don't know.  Just go with it.

"Hey, Bryn, can you show me  your mad face?"

Ok. Possessed demonic-like face works too.  Linda may have some competiton here.

"I'm gonna go rest." ~Bryn

While she isn't REALLY sleeping here, this gave me a brilliant idea.  Next time we go to the park, I am going to make sure she is deprived of her nap.  Let her fall asleep on the park bench.  Next to her, I'm going to place a cardboard sign next to her, with the word "HOMELESS" on it.  (Yes...the 2 S's will be backwards.  And it will be in crayon.  It's all in the details, people).  I then will set an old guitar case next to her.  I'm pretty confidient my mortgage will be taken care of for the month.  And, possibly the next month.  It's never too early to make these kids work for their keeping.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

All Aboard the Crazy Train!!!

It's your lucky day.  Why you ask?  Because you're in for a collection of pictures that have been sitting in the Howard Vault. Or more commonly known as "my phone". 

TOOT!! TOOT!! The Crazy Train is boarding!  So quit pretending you have "more important things" to do.  We all know you don't have anything going on.    

"I gots a beaver in my diaper. I takin' him for a ride." ~Bryn

Yes. Yes, Bryn, you do.  And I'm leaving this one alone.  You can insert your own "beaver" joke here. 

Here's the set up on this gem....

I am a mom.  I don't know the meaning of "sleeping like a rock."  I can hear a mouse fart at 3 in the morning.  So, when I wake up to start my day at 5:15AM, and the previous night was uneventful, I ASSUME things are all good in the Howard house.

Alarm goes off.  It's sorta light out.  Sorta dark.  I crawl outta bed.  Feet hit the carpet.  I sleepily shuffle around the bed to walk out the door to head downstairs.  When all of a sudden,  my feet hit this "object".

HOLY HELL!!!!!!  I can't tell you what my body looked like, but if I had to guess, I'd say Chuck Norris would be jealous of the moves I did. the hell she crawled outta her bed, opened her door, and walked into my room without me waking up, is beyond me.  Apparently, SHE is quieter than a mouse fart.

"I hidin', Mommy!!" ~ Bryn

Nope.  Couldn't find her.  The blanket did me in.  I can't imagine how hard it would be to find her if that blanket was made outta camo.

I am guessing this has to be one of the "Top 5 Reasons" to get an Irrigation System.  Our yard looks wonderful.  Not to mention the money we are now saving on baby wipes and toilet paper.  I like things that are multi-functional. 

Here's something that will really get everyone talkin'!  A VIDEO!!  Yes.  A video.  I figured out how to get a video onto this blog.  That in itself deserves a medal. But, most importantly, I think we should all just sit back and applaud me for capturing this.  Yes, I had to lie to get it.  And yes, that lie was to my kid.  Get over it.  I said an exta Hail Mary that night.  The Lord and I are cool. 

"I'm sorta too tired for supper." ~Brenen

You're SORTA tired?!? That's mildly stating it.  What do I do when he says he's "exhausted"?!  And here's a thought, why am I spending money on beds, or pillows, or blankets for these kids?!  They obviously are able to sleep anywhere.  And in any position.  I'm just getting these kids slabs of concrete to sleep on.  I guess I could upgrade to a high quality granite to give more of a "luxury" feel.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Why Our Walks Take FOREVER

"Let's go for a walk, Bryn!!"

Walk, walk, walk, walk.


"STOP!!!  My baby pooped."

Who needs a Koala Kare Changing table, when the pavement works WAY better.  I feel for this doll...sorry "baby",  who literally must know what it's like to have "ants in your pants".  And, apparently this "baby" has the shits...cuz we stopped 62 times in like two tenths of a mile. 

First Day as a "Blogger"

Whoa. Look at me.  A writer...ok a "blogger".  This idea was given to me by numerous people, who apparently find my family pretty funny.  The amount of texts, inbox messages, emails, comments, and "likes" on my Facebook page seems to have people "beggin' for more"! Since I aim to please, here it is...a blog dedicated to mostly my kids and all the crazy stuff they do and say for your entertainment!

 I have to say this....these are DAILY occurrences  at our house, and each person seems to each have their own sense of humor.  And there isn't a day that goes by, that we aren't laughing at something somebody says or does.

I also want to just be serious for a moment (yes..I am totally wingin' the "how to be serious for a moment" gig) and say this....Our family's humor isn't meant to hurt or offend anyone.  And it may not always be funny to everyone.  However, remember, this is America, you have CHOSEN to follow this can UN-chose it if you find your panties are getting in a knot. 

And because some of you have asked: Yes, I do carry my iPhone EVERYWHERE...without it, I wouldn't be able to capture what I capture. we go.  Grab a drink.  Sit back.  Buckle in. And join me in what I call "my life"...but you will call, "Keepin' Up with the Howard's"!!  :)